Baptist Fireworks Kill Dundee Cow!

2015-11-10 14.08.06 (1)

The Dundee Courier has a real sense of perspective!   Out in the wider world we have Islamic terrorism, the European referendum, and ongoing concerns about climate change;  but here in Dundee, a city of some 150,000 people, we have our priorities sorted.  The local newspaper reports the absolutely tragic event of Baptist rockets killing a local cow.  This may not seem serious to you, but let me assure you that if we don’t speak out for the cows, one day they will come for us!

The trouble is that Broughty Ferry Baptist Church had held a fireworks display last Saturday.   A nearby farmer had later found one of his cows dead in the field.  The farmer, David Reid, told the newspaper that he thought his cow had died either of a heart attack, or because she had run into a barbed wire fence with fright.

Brian, the Baptist pastor, was very apologetic. And so he should be. We blame the Baptists.   Clearly they are a dangerous religious group, whose activities in a secular society should be curtailed. They certainly should not be allowed to have fireworks. Don’t they know that gunpowder and water do not mix?

I must admit that when I saw the headline, it sounded like a stray rocket had hit a cow, not just a speculative guess from a farmer seeking £1,000 insurance!  Just as we hear of Hezbollah rockets hitting Israeli settlements, so it seemed that Baptist rockets  were raining down on these poor hapless animals. Whatever next? Catholics killing chickens? Presbyterians slaughtering pigs?   What a gift to our secular friends.   Finally proof that religion is responsible for the mass annihilation of all species!

Mind you when I started thinking of Charismatic rockets and Presbyterian rockets, I realise that the Free Church would lose any religious turf war, if we were to rely on such weapons.   The Charismatic rockets would blow up before they even got off the ground, the Presbyterian would not get past the committee design stage!   At least the Baptists got theirs is in the air!

One also has to be suspicious of Baptist theology. They obviously struggle with the relationship between the old and new covenants.  I would like to remind my Baptist brothers and sisters that in the New Testament  church we no longer do animal sacrifices.  And offering a golden calve as atonement is not kosher either.    Moreover why were they offering a firework celebrations on November 7?  Don’t they realise that in the United Kingdom we celebrate our deliverance from Catholic terrorism, on November 5?  Did they hold their celebration over to the Saturday, as testimony to their deeply held seventh day Sabbatarianism?

Some  of my charismatic friends have made the unkind suggestion that the words Baptists and fireworks do not go together. When did you last see fireworks in a Baptist service, unless it was a congregational meeting!   I think this is an unnecessary criticism, and should be countered with the question, when was a cow last killed in a charismatic service?  Meanwhile I look forward to the next riveting installment of local news in that bastion of fine journalism, the  Dundee Courier!


  1. I love that headline, “Baptist rockets…” – as if we had secret stashes of armaments ready to be deployed against unsuspecting bovines of all religious persuasions, or none.
    And as for celebrating on the 7th, that’s obvious – we’re non-Conformists, right?

  2. Odd. I thought it was the “Dundee courier”, not the “Wider world courier”.

    Why have you not reported on all those Christians up in arms about a coffee cup?

    It’s almost like you have an anti secular agenda…..

    1. “It’s almost like you have an anti secular agenda”

      Lol, what because of commenting on a stray rocket rather than the response by some to the design of a coffee cup?

      Maybe Alex Salmond had a point when he talked about a particular secular group being sensitive.

      1. I wouldn’t know Adam, I’m not a member of any secular group. I see they miss you though David
        However, saying you favour one part of the population is pretty bad, especially when you are elected to represent everyone with impartiality.

        And David, I don’t see lots of folk up in arms about this cow either. Propaganda does not mean uncomfortable fact for you. This is not the first time either that the religion of tolerance has sought controversy over the starbucks logo http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/05/09/starbucks-labeled-slutbuc_n_101058.html Plank- eye?

      2. Amusing….you do realise that this was humour not a serious point about cows, Baptists or secularists?! As for the Starbucks thing – don’t be taken in by the stupidity of our culture and the self-promotion of Starbucks….just because one Christian nutter doesn’t quite grasp his own Christianity, does not mean that ‘Christians are in uproar’. Baptist rockets and Starbucks cups…yep it must be the silly season…

      3. “saying you favour one part of the population is pretty bad, especially when you are elected to represent everyone with impartiality.”

        You are implying that David is being anti-secular in his post. I don’t see anything of that rather that “this was humour” as David comments.

        Nice to hear that “they [SSS] miss you”.

        Are you being anti-David?

  3. I went to art college in Dundee in the 70s and a couple of Dundonians friends used to joke about Dundee Man and how The Courier was always reporting on him. Now there’s a Dundee Cow too!

  4. Not only Moderator but Free Church Humour Laureate, You had me LOL! BTW I gave up on Nov 5 fireworks in our church garden after a roman candle started a fire in a pine tree. Unfortunately we put it out before the fire brigade came. Unfortunate, as when we wanted to build in the garden we found the pine has a preservation order.

  5. A journalistic scoop , perhaps , Has the Courier unintentionally exposed the source of Desperate Dan’s dietary supplier for the past 75 years ?

  6. The musings of a confirmed anglobapticostalist!

    “The coo, the coo, the bonny coo,
    It’s better than a dug!
    Until it flicks its muckle tail
    An’ skelps ye roond the lug.”

    Anon (at least as far as I know).

    My two dugs (rough collies, Lassies) spent the evening of th 7th shaking with fear and trying to climb on my knee.

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