The Dundee Courier has a real sense of perspective! Out in the wider world we have Islamic terrorism, the European referendum, and ongoing concerns about climate change; but here in Dundee, a city of some 150,000 people, we have our priorities sorted. The local newspaper reports the absolutely tragic event of Baptist rockets killing a local cow. This may not seem serious to you, but let me assure you that if we don’t speak out for the cows, one day they will come for us!
The trouble is that Broughty Ferry Baptist Church had held a fireworks display last Saturday. A nearby farmer had later found one of his cows dead in the field. The farmer, David Reid, told the newspaper that he thought his cow had died either of a heart attack, or because she had run into a barbed wire fence with fright.
Brian, the Baptist pastor, was very apologetic. And so he should be. We blame the Baptists. Clearly they are a dangerous religious group, whose activities in a secular society should be curtailed. They certainly should not be allowed to have fireworks. Don’t they know that gunpowder and water do not mix?
I must admit that when I saw the headline, it sounded like a stray rocket had hit a cow, not just a speculative guess from a farmer seeking £1,000 insurance! Just as we hear of Hezbollah rockets hitting Israeli settlements, so it seemed that Baptist rockets were raining down on these poor hapless animals. Whatever next? Catholics killing chickens? Presbyterians slaughtering pigs? What a gift to our secular friends. Finally proof that religion is responsible for the mass annihilation of all species!
Mind you when I started thinking of Charismatic rockets and Presbyterian rockets, I realise that the Free Church would lose any religious turf war, if we were to rely on such weapons. The Charismatic rockets would blow up before they even got off the ground, the Presbyterian would not get past the committee design stage! At least the Baptists got theirs is in the air!
One also has to be suspicious of Baptist theology. They obviously struggle with the relationship between the old and new covenants. I would like to remind my Baptist brothers and sisters that in the New Testament church we no longer do animal sacrifices. And offering a golden calve as atonement is not kosher either. Moreover why were they offering a firework celebrations on November 7? Don’t they realise that in the United Kingdom we celebrate our deliverance from Catholic terrorism, on November 5? Did they hold their celebration over to the Saturday, as testimony to their deeply held seventh day Sabbatarianism?
Some of my charismatic friends have made the unkind suggestion that the words Baptists and fireworks do not go together. When did you last see fireworks in a Baptist service, unless it was a congregational meeting! I think this is an unnecessary criticism, and should be countered with the question, when was a cow last killed in a charismatic service? Meanwhile I look forward to the next riveting installment of local news in that bastion of fine journalism, the Dundee Courier!